God brings healing

Twenty-three months ago my first born child died. There are so many people of different faiths, and those of no faith, reading this email that that sentence means something different to each of you. At the time, I was shaken enough to not even know what it meant to me. Initially, all that I ever believed fell down around my feet and, for a moment, I did not know if my child simply ceased to exist, if he was sleeping, if or if he was enjoying heaven with the Lord he loved so much. I began a journey that day of systematically reviewing all I’ve ever believed and not claiming to know a single thing again until I could prove it to myself through logic, reasoning, research and historical data.

I think you all know me well enough to know that I became a Christian at the age of nine. It was my personal decision on my grandparents’ porch and I stayed true to that decision all of my life. I attended church, bible studies, and accountability groups from that tender age of my own accord and not at the urging or pleading of others. I simply loved God and wanted to serve Him in every area of my life in the best way I knew how.

I’ve received lot of criticism, however – at times from some reading here – because my life was “perfect” and untested or challenged. I was told it is easy to “skip around” telling of love and grace when you’ve never had any suffering in your life. I was told when I encountered “real” grief and trials that my eyes would be opened to that fact that my God was “smoke and mirrors” – a magic show that didn’t hold water when I truly needed support in the “real” world. But I continued to believe and put my whole trust in my God for the next 25 years - debating, encouraging, convincing and answering questions for those of you who scoffed and those who supported me.

Now, I feel so many are waiting, holding their breath, to see if the bottom fell out. Those who love the Lord want someone to show them proof that He is faithful and able to sustain us even in the worst of times. Those who question His existence want to know if this is the time they are finally convinced or if my experience is just another proof that wishing does not make a deity real.

So, how am I?

“The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came to His ears. He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy…the Lord was my support.”

2Samuel 22:6-7,17-19

I love the bold sincerity and accuracy of this verse. It explains in vivid detail what it feels like to experience trauma:

“For You, O God, tested us; You refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance.” Psalm 66:10-12

C.S. Lewis once said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pain; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

I’m up!

I have learned more in the last twenty-three months than I have in my entire life time. No one has to tell me to keep my “mind on things above” (Col. 3:2), I can’t stop thinking about heaven and reading about the things my son is experiencing. No one has to remind me to “clothe the naked, feed the hungry, house the poor”(1Tim 6:17-19); I’ve experienced how unimportant and fleeting this world is and I only want to spend my time on people! Even more importantly, I’ve challenged all I believe about God and come back with solid footing about who He is, the truth of His word and power of His Spirit. The work I did in the trenches was life altering and a blessing beyond compare.

I am certainly not saying that a person died so that I could come to this new growth and learning in my life. I will never know why Nick went to heaven at only eight years of age until I am standing there myself, but I am responsible for how I react to the experience. I am responsible to learn and grow and experience God in a whole new way that only can occur through suffering and sorrow.

This is not to say I do not miss my son. Anyone who says I shouldn’t is insane. God knows full well that we experience pain when we are separated one from another. He knows better than we do that He did not design us for that. We were supposed to live in paradise together for eternity. There was no need to build in a coping mechanism for separation. But since we are no longer in paradise, He has given us His Spirit to give us strength to endure the pain, purpose for our days, and comfort that we are expected to pass on to others.

I do not grieve for Nick, though. Nick is fine – he’s more than fine! He’s exactly where he’d want to be (and those of you who really know him know how true that is!)

“For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philip. 1:21

I grieve for me. I am certainly sad everyday – but I am not sad all day! I am not grieving as one who has no hope.

“Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him.” 1Thess. 4: 13-14

My whole life is wrapped up in hope – it’s wrapped up in waiting for the promise that one day I will be in paradise for eternity with Nick as it was suppose to be. The joy from this truth is my strength! (Neh. 8:10)

“Return to your fortress, O Prisoner of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.” Zech 9:12

For those of you who believe I am “falling down a well” or “drowning” or “sinking in a battered boat” – let me assure you, that could not be further from the truth. I am protected by a fortress!

“The people…are strong because the Lord Almighty is their God” Zech 12:5

For those of you who say, “Oh, you are so strong, I could never survive that!” I assure you, I am not strong. My knees still buckle on several occasions – but, boy, does the Lord ever know how to make leg braces!

“For in Him we live and move and have our being” Acts 17:28

“The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Romans 2:20

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.” Psalms 62: 5-6

“On my bed I remember You; I think of You through the watches of the night. Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.” Psalms 62:6-8

God meets us where we are and if you are trying to imagine yourself in my shoes, but find no comfort from Him there – it’s because you are not there! He’s ready to meet you in your life, not in your imagined assumptions of mine. Experience God in the time and place you are currently in because He promises to meet you there. He is comforting me beyond what any human could ever hope to provide for me. He is in Haiti ministering to the grieving mothers there as well. You know how I know? Because I saw parents in the streets doubled over in agony over their losses while praising God for His comfort and provision. That’s not biological; that’s not adrenaline numbing the pain – they’re obviously feeling it, (quite intensely I might add) – that’s God’s supernatural, overwhelming comfort in a time of indescribable grief. And He is faithful to be there every time. I know – I’ve experience it – and you will not know it until you experience it.


From here to eternity…

Now the journey set before me, as scripture says, is to “love the Lord [my] God with all [my] heart, soul, mind and strength.” (Matt. 22:37) It’s certainly not a blind faith. It takes a lot discipline, will, struggle, study and, sometimes, painful experiences. But as our Pastor once reminded us, limestone (prevalent around my home) only becomes useful, beautiful and durable after it’s been crushed under tremendous pressure for a long time.

Matthew 22:37 reminds me to love Him with all my heart – which I take as a reminder to fall in love with Him; to begin a journey of romance. To learn who He is, spend time together, focus on the things that delight Him. To bring Him the unblemished roses of my acts of service complete with all their beauty and thorns - not because it will bring me any favors, merit, kudos, or points, - but simply because it pleases Him and brings Him joy. True love does things for the other person because it brings that person joy and not because the giver may get anything out of it.

To love Him with “my soul” is what I’ve only recently experienced. It’s to love Him deep down in the places where there are no words to describe this new level of understanding. It’s when we experience a trial, grief, sorrow or suffering so deep that it opens up an understanding about life that could never have been learned over a lifetime of study. I told you I began my crawl back to God through study and reason, but the last leg of the journey could only be completed through His work of sorrow and grief forged in the places of my soul that I never knew existed before.

Loving Him with “all my mind” is where so many of us begin, but then, unfortunately, end. It’s only a portion of the picture and if we stop there, our understanding never grows because it’s only partially made. But He does want me to love Him with my mind because He created it and expects me to use it. He wants me to seek out why the Gnostic gospels are a joke, but the New Testament gospels are trustworthy. He wants me to search for Him and be sure that He is and actually exists before I feign devotion and put on false piety. He expects me to research the validity of the Gospel account of the life of Christ using good history and sound science to ensure my footing is strong. I have answered these questions and many more for myself so I can let my mind be free to learn, debate and grow and love Him fully and concretely through it all.

Now to love Him with “all my strength” is the charge to keep going and to persevere. Whoever said Christianity is a crutch obviously never walked the path. It’s a daily, determined, continuous, devoted struggle punctuated by moments of grace and mercy when we are weak. It’s going one more step when you have no strength left if it means you have the opportunity to show someone else Christ’s love and comfort.

And so I close with this most perfect summary:

“Praise be to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade – kept in heaven for you…(I know this is referring to our salvation in heaven, but the double meaning that it has by reminding me that Nick is “kept in heaven” for me is priceless!) In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, … – may be proved genuine (not proved to God – He already knows; not proved to you – it is of no concern to me whether others are on board or not; but rather proved to me that my faith is strong and true) and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:3-9

Mantle of Praise

Garment of Praise

“61:1 The spirit of the sovereign Lord is upon me,
because the Lord has chosen 1 me. 2
He has commissioned 3 me to encourage 4 the poor,
to help 5 the brokenhearted,…
61:2 …
to console all who mourn,
61:3 to strengthen those who mourn in Zion,
by giving them a crown of beauty, instead of ashes,
oil of joy, 7 instead of mourning,
a garment of praise, 8 instead of a spirit of despair. 9
They will be called oaks of righteousness, 10
trees planted by the Lord to reveal his splendor.” Isaiah

“Garment of praise”….that made think of some sort of bejeweled shawl that women wear or even the metallic ones I’ve seen some charismatic churches wear in their praise and worship services. The phrase seemed to suggest a Holy t-shirt worn to bedazzle and entertain on-lookers. It seemed so shallow and nothing like what I could possibly need from my Lord in the most painful time of my life. It seemed so thin, weak and superficial - not the supernatural support I needed as I looked at a casket containing the body of my son.

What is “garment of praise” suppose to mean anyways?

Garment – from the Hebrew “Ma ‘ateh”: meaning a wrap or mantle; From the Hebrew “ata” meaning to enwrap or envelope.

Ok, so what does garment or mantle mean?

Mantle – “garment worn over other clothes, something that enfolds or envelopes, the casing of a blast furnace or any insulated support in which something is heated (i.e. a fireplace mantle or the earth’s inner crust).”

At eleven O’clock at night, two hours after the wake for my son was suppose to end, the remaining friends and family gathered around to pray. At that time, someone started singing praises to God and one by one others joined in. I was amazed to realize that one of those voices came from my body and, as shocked as I was, I did not want to stop. My soul (I say that because it was most definitely not by body or mind involved!) was singing - not because I felt like singing or even had the muscle control to support such an endeavor, but because it was the praise itself that enveloped me with support and was the salve I needed for the pain I was feeling. My life was being superheated in the most intense pain and torment I had ever experienced and praise was the mantle that was insulating me from complete destruction. I wasn’t singing because I felt joyous or full of praise, but because the Holy Spirit knew I needed a covering - a supernatural protection.

I now realize that, for me, Isaiah 61:3 must be translated “mantle of praise”. After experiencing the deepest grief I’ve ever known I decided that garment is too light-hearted of a word for me. Mantle more accurately describes the true purpose of praise. Actually, if I could, I’d rewrite it to say, “…to bestow on them…a blast shield of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” That’s a more accurate description of what I experienced!

It is praise that needs to be worn over everything else. It is praise that enfolds and envelopes the shattered, torn pieces of life in order to hold them together while the Creator mends the broken places. It is praise that insulates against the most intense heat so we can endure the pounding, molding and polishing the Blacksmith is doing to form us into a more perfect creation. Praise needs to come out of us and cover over us most especially during those times that we don’t feel happy or thankful so that we can be shielded from the flaming arrows of life.

I read a story that firefighters were walking through a completely burned-out forest in California one year and came upon the charred remains of an eagle. The eagle was an eerie sight as it stood proud against the trunk of a tree where it boldly faced its death. One of the firefighters tapped the carcass with a stick only to have it crumble to the ground and three perfectly safe chicks scamper out from underneath her. That mother eagle was the perfect mantle for her chicks. (Interestingly enough, the upper back of a bird is also called the mantle.)

Psa 36:7
How precious 1 is your loyal love, O God! The human race finds shelter under your wings.
Psa 91:4
He will shelter you 1 with his wings; 2 you will find safety under his wings. His faithfulness is like a shield or a protective wall.

How our God longs to protect us under His wing and shield us from the fires and floods of life! And He has made a way for us to live under the shadow of His wing through praise. We can’t wait to feel joyful, cheerful or even thankful – praise has to come first. It’s my armor against the blast of the most painful times of life. It’s what I must wear especially when I don’t feel like it.

And so I remind myself,
Put on the “mantle (blast shield) of praise to replace the spirit of despair”