Nick was a worrier.
I found myself several times a week telling him not to worry. I would make him look me in the eye and ask directly, “Do you trust me?” He would nod yes. “Then please don’t worry. Let’s pray together, but don’t waste your energy worrying.”
He would worry that he hadn’t told anyone about God in a long time. He would worry that if he didn’t chew his food enough that he would choke. He would worry that Cody would not listen to him or his parents and end up getting really hurt. He would worry that Josh would get hurt when he was in Iraq. He would come out of the shower and ask me if I thought his ribs stuck out too much – he was worried he was too skinny.
Once he worried that the animals he loved would not be in heaven. When he was young I would just say, “yes, there will be cats and frogs and horses in heaven.” But as he got older I knew he could handle a more honest answer. “Nick, I don’t know if there will be horses in heaven, but I do know that there will be a creature that is everything you love about horses and more. Maybe that will be a horse, or maybe something so spectacular you’ll only get to experience it in heaven. But I know there will be a creature that is power, fast, beautiful, gentle and soft! But don’t worry. God knows you love horses – He gave you that love – and He will satisfy the desire more completely than you could ever dream.”
That lesson came full circle today.
My devotion (which is written by a woman who lost two children and it’s specifically for people grieving over loss) was about a topic that really hit home. She said that when she has hard moments at her children’s grave, people are very sweet to remind her that she need not grieve because her children are not there, but rather they are in heaven. She was already well aware of that but was grieving because, though their spirits are in heaven, their bodies are still in the ground. She said, “I really miss their bodies. I love their bodies and I miss holding them.”
I couldn’t agree more. I deeply miss Nick’s body as well as his soul.
I miss Nick’s smile though I’m sure he’ll still have that when we meet again. But, I also miss his “little foot”. I would massage that foot every night as he fell asleep. I know it’s the middle ray that was missing (even though the doctors said it was the pinky) because when you massage his foot it’s obvious which toe is missing. I miss his “cockeyed” stance because his leg was short. I like his long skinny arms and legs and obvious ribs. I love his long lean muscles and dry straw hair.
People say, in order to be encouraging, that Nick will be perfect and made new when I see him again.
But he already was perfect.
I find myself worrying and asking questions that cannot be answered. If I die before the rapture, will I have a chance to see Nick as I knew him before he’s “made new”? How can he be “Nick” without his wonderful little foot and beautiful crooked stance? Is he still little now or did I miss everything I ever looked forward to and he’s shot into adulthood leaving me behind?
I was thinking all these thoughts and more as I drove by Nick’s grave today. I was shocked to tears when I’m sure I heard him respond to my longing and grief…
“Do you trust God, Mom? Then please don’t worry. He knows how much you love me – He gave you that love – and He will satisfy the desire you have more completely than you could ever dream. You still do not know what is here, but please trust God that He will satisfy all your needs. Be patient and peaceful – and, mom, - please don’t worry.”
If it’s possible, I think I love him even more…..
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