Just Missing Nick

Trying to Reconstruct Nick
Written by Andi Morice
March 12, 2008

There are so many thoughts I think I want to hang on to and remember forever, but I just can’t seem to grab any single one from the swirling mass of thoughts that have been overloading my brain day and night since Nick left.

I think about him, the things he did, things he said, how his voice sounds, happy moments together. I think about the future I always expected, his high school days, how Cody could ever make it alone next year when Nick went to middles school, teenage friends overtaking the house, picking a college, watching him play sports, watching his shoe size grow, his wedding, experiencing how much he loves being a dad. I think about theology, try to answer all the “why” questions in my head as well as all those others put to me, read about heaven, seek out other families who understand what I’m going through…

Then I think about that night and 50+ hours after it and all the people at the wake and funeral. Then I think about all the ways we’re missing him – no one loves Selah like him, no one cares for Cody like him, no one is a pal to Tony like him, no one smirked like him, no one stood cockeyed like him, no one sweats like him, no one drinks mile like him (we’ve only needed to buy ½ gallons since he’s been gone)…Once I get here, thinking about everything he is, I can stay here for hours.

Every thought is detailed and precious and how do I choose only one to write about? And how do I possibly capture all the details and nuances that are so important? It all comes down to this –I miss my son so much – and it is exhausting trying to hold on to him. Instead of just having him walk through the house and fill up my senses automatically, I have to use all of my energy to conjure up memories of him – to recreate him in my mind. All the paper in the world would not fit the words needed to reconstruct his life and I realize that is what I am trying to do; I’m trying to keep him here on earth by writing everything about him, who he is, how he acts, what his character is like – but that is impossible

He is my friend, my compassionate boy, my beautiful-straw-haired first born, the smirk that always brought out my smile, the laugh that was so genuine I couldn’t help but laugh, too, the struggles with flesh that were so sincere they made my heart break, the curious mind that asked deep questions and loved my “complete” answers, the soul that could never answer a question without first considering how his response would effect everyone else.

But now I have to stop writing because so many memories begin to flow I can’t capture them all and to be incomplete or un-thorough would not be adequate to portray all that’s in my head and all of who he is. So, I have to quit – arbitrarily – before I frustrate myself with lack of clarity and the insufficient number of pages available to fully describe my son and my love for him.

Simply put – I love you, Nick and I miss you more than I can put to words. I cannot wait to be with you again.