The Answer to "Why?"

For so long (actually it’s only been nine weeks – but under the circumstances, nine weeks is long) I keep wondering “why”. Not “Why did Nick die”. I could see the answer to that question the day of the funeral. So many lives were touched and changed forever and I still hear stories even today. I also know the answer to why I can’t go be with him. Everyone keeps telling me I have to take care of my family – though I’m not sure what good I am to them now. There’s not very much of me left and certainly nothing left over to share with others.

The “why” I keep asking is “why is God waiting to bring an end to this world?” If it’s all going to come to an end anyways, why not now? Why not just let those of us who are still here make our decision as we would in the end and let eternity begin now? What are we waiting for?

My sister asked me a question that started me on the path to my answer.

Sunny asked, “Andi, if you could choose between the person you were before Nick passed and the person you have become because of your experience, which would you pick?” That took a lot of thinking to answer. That question was really three questions in one and each question required deep thought and thorough consideration.

First of all, how am I different now from who I was before? I always thought I was fine before – of course. You never know your shortcomings until you have new growth to measure against it. Then it’s so obvious that you’re embarrassed others may have known all along, but didn’t want to break the news to you! I thought I loved the Lord, lived my life according to my understanding of His will, and looked forward to heaven as my real home. I thought I studied excessively (sometimes too much study and not enough action) to understand completely the reasons for my faith and the concrete answers to why the bible is real and true and that Jesus is the only way.

Then came the day that a doctor looked at me and said, “I’m sorry.”

I realized for the first time with complete and instant understanding that there was nothing on this whole earth that mattered. All I cared about was what heaven was like and what I had to do to get there. My relationship with God and the complete understanding of His will and plan were instantly more important than taking my next breath. Things that seemed to matter like haircuts, clothes that fit, exercising or watching the news appeared to me for the first time as they truly were…a vapor. Events that seemed so vital to everyday life dematerialize before my very eyes. It was as scripture says how we will be changed in an instant – there was no studying or learning or striving – it was instantaneous.

The second implied portion of Sunny’s question required me to consider if this new person I had become was better or worse. With all the insight I gained, I did lose a lot as well. Obviously, I lost Nick and no words can describe the depths of that loss. But I’m beginning to realize one other significant loss; “happiness”.

“Joy” is that inner peace, satisfaction and positive outlook that persists whether circumstances are great or horrible. It’s that thing that we as Christians study about and seek to understand and strive to obtain. It’s unsinkable even in the most destructive storm. I have to admit that even now I do have moments of joy. But I can’t seem to find happiness. Happiness is based on happenstance. It’s the glee that comes with fortuitous circumstances. It’s fleeting and unpredictable. And therefore, who would want it, right? -- Me –

I miss the innocence of happiness. To be involved in a moment and have smiles erupt because pure pleasure surrounds every aspect of the event you are involved in. Happiness weaves around a toddler’s giggle, a child’s first circus, a wedding, a birth, a game won… There are no thoughts involved and no need to remind yourself that things are not as they seem. You never have to talk yourself into happiness or train your eyes to look beyond the veil of the tangible world. Happiness comes when you don’t have to concern yourself with what’s going on “behind the scenes”. I miss that.

So, would I rather the perspective I have now over the innocent happiness I had then? I would have to say yes. How could I go back to naïveté after graduating from the Ivy League of hard knocks schools? How could I live with myself? How could I look in the mirror and continue to care about the things of this earth when I’ve learned that not a one of them truly matters? So, yes, I believe that the new person I’ve become is “better” than the old and I would choose not to return to that state of being.

Thirdly, do I believe I would have become that person some other way if Nick had not died? Do I believe that I could have studied enough or read enough or even learned from another’s experience?

Never.

I have only recently learned that pain is part of the process necessary to make us the person we are to become. It's the chisel in God's hand to build us and mold us. Now, I've only experienced one kind of pain and I know how radically different I am now. I never would have ever learned the lessons that I've experienced through the loss of Nick even if I completed a thousand bible studies. I was truly changed by the work of the Holy Spirit – it was divine experience that that was dropped into my lap. Whoever said that experience is a cruel teacher was painfully correct.

So, if those things are true and I needed the world to be turning in order to experience the loss of my son to become who God had originally designed me to be, then how many other people need the world to turn in order to become the creation God started out creating them to be? How many others need to be on earth in order to experience their “life changing” day and become whole? We call it pain, but to God it is "light and momentary" troubles that are brief and necessary to mold us into the person He created us to be. I am peaceful in the realization that God may actually be in the process of building thousands of lives of which I have no awareness. I have come to terms with the realization He could not possibly take the time to sit down with me and explain each person's life and why they need particular "earthly" experiences in order to grow and experience eternity to its fullest.

I want to make it clear that I am not talking about needing more days simply for those who are going to come to Christ to have more time to accept Him. God knows who they are and He doesn’t need more days to pass to know who belongs to Him and who does not. These passing days are a gift to us. We need the days in order to grow and learn and mature in our relationship with God. He’s using the days to mold us – not to just waste time waiting to see who will come. He already knows that! But rather to shape, mold, grow and mature each person. The pains in the world are used by God to make us who He originally intended us to be.

So, what is the answer to why it can’t all just end right now?

Because God is in the business of creating and He’s not done yet!